Thanks Jay!

One of the great things about Hollywood is that some young hopeful out there might grow up to be the next Jay Leno. No matter how little talent you have, no matter how hackneyed and facile your sense of humor, you might be able to strong arm your way onto one of the most cherished shows in the history of television with nothing more than a pocket full of dreams. That’s right, it’s that easy. So don’t worry about all those talented and intelligent Conan O’Brien types out there. Theirs is a passing success, prey to the whims of the powers that be in Hollywood. But if your success is built on a solid foundation, one of bending over backwards for executives and using familiarity as a substitute for talent, no network will ever be able to take your dreams away from you.

Jay Leno has used his considerable skill and class to navigate the Hollywood trenches for decades, providing a safe haven for the type of people who find jokes about Sarah Palin’s lack of intelligence “too controversial.” When Johnny Carson wanted David Letterman to take over his spot on the Tonight Show, only Jay Leno had the courage to stand up and heroically weasel his way into the spot. Knowing that his success was due to the intervention of magic fairies (or merciless agents), Leno at least tried to smooth things over for his own retirement. Seeking to avoid more bruised egos, he announced in 2004 that he would step down in 2009, passed the show to Conan O’Brien, and was subsequently awarded his own primetime show. When that show failed to attract ratings, Leno was punished by receiving his old 11:35 timeslot back, ripping the Tonight Show from Conan O’Brien, and thus the pains of a complicated transition were safely sidestepped.

Everyone should admire what Jay Leno has accomplished. It takes a special kind of man to turn being unfunny into a career. I know plenty of unfunny people that are stuck in menial jobs. Getting paid to not be funny is like getting paid to not fix a car or not cure a disease, and yet Jay Leno not only gets paid for it, but he gets paid for it at the expense of people who actually are funny. In a paranoid, hyper sensitive country, blessed is the man who tailors his comedy to sleepy senior citizens.

When you’re just starting out in life, the road often branches. Down one path: Education, a natural passion for comedy and an innate talent to find the absurd in everyday life, hard work, patience, and a willingness to stick with a joke no matter who it offends; after all your job is to make people laugh, not to make them feel comfortable. Down the other path: A good agent and a willingness to screw anyone over to get what you want. The first path is a temptation, avoid it at all costs. Instead, work on screwing over people now. Cut in line in elementary school, have your mom call the school and complain until they make you the lead in the school play, steal your friend’s girlfriend, and never, never share anything you have with anyone else. Above all, DON’T BE FUNNY!

Act like Jay Leno, and you’re sure to find Hollywood success. Jay Leno will be remembered as the host who got back the Tonight Show. Future generations will speak of him with the same awed reverence they use today to talk about Jack Paar or Ernie Kovacs. Conan O’Brien, who used that useless, pointless sense of humor of his to not only host a show of popular cutting edge comedy, but also to write some of the best Simpsons episodes ever made, will be relegated to the dustbin of history. People will laugh at the situations and characters he brought to life on The Simpsons for as long as there’s a means to watch the episodes, and in being a comedy writer he brought joy to millions and millions yet to come. What a naïve waste of time. All that time he spent being funny could have been time spent being unfunny and climbing to the top of the Hollywood heap. His career will be a cautionary tale to everyone out there who thinks a good sense of humor is a means to a successful career as a comedian.

Jay Leno has shown us all that all you have to do to get your way is whine, and that’s a victory no network executive, however obsequious, will ever be able to take away from him.