Happy Halloween!!

It’s finally Halloween! Time to get dressed up, go out to parties, and eat candy corn until you throw up! (Tip: To throw up faster, try those delicious candy corn pumpkins.)

Now it occurs to me that even at this late hour some people might be thinking about costumes. Since I used to be an expert (and still am, when the situation demands it) at putting Halloween costumes together at the last possible second, I thought I would dedicate my last Halloween post to sharing some of the costume ideas I’ve thrown together over the years, just in case there’s anyone out there who needs a quick last minute fix. (As a guy, these will be guy costumes, but I think girls are pretty set for costumes as it is. Girl’s Guide to Halloween Costumes: Get some clothes, then take 75-90% of them off.) Unfortunately photos of all these monstrosities have been lost to the ages, so this will require a bit of imagination.

1. Thomas Jefferson/Alexander Hamilton/Generic 18th Century Fop
I’m a big fan of our Founding Fathers, but some of them were, to modern eyes at least, a bit “fancy” which makes them perfect for Halloween. I think I originally intended to be Thomas Jefferson as part of a senior class costume contest. Later some friends decided I looked more like Alexander Hamilton on the recently redesigned ten dollar bill, so when this costume appeared later it morphed into an Alexander Hamilton ensemble.

How to Make It:
It helps to have really long hair to start with. Ask a girl to share some of her face powder with you (Warning: She won’t get much back), then powder your hair like crazy. This is the most important element. Then simply tie your hair back into a pony tail with a frilly lace or ribbon, wear a long overcoat, stick some Kleenex in your sleeves to double as distinctive sleeve ruffles, pull your socks up high to look like tights, and you’re off to the races. For an added punch of Revolutionary flavor you can steal a golf club (I use a five iron) to use as a makeshift walking stick. Put on your best dandified foppish accent for a little extra sex appeal.

2. John Lennon/The Beatles Some friends and I went as The Beatles (White Album era) during the height of my Beatles obsession. I was John, and even perfected an amusing Beatle accent to go along with the outfit. Everyone loves The Beatles, so it’s a great way to bring smiles to the faces of young and old alike, and very easy to pull off.

How to Make It: All you need to look like John Lennon is long hair and glasses. No matter how much you do or do not look like him, long hair and glasses is so tied to John Lennon in pop culture that people will immediately draw their own conclusions. Then wear whatever you want, because, hey, you’ve got long hair and glasses, you must be John Lennon. Just make sure you keep the other Beatles close by, otherwise you might be mistaken for another long haired, glasses wearing musician, such as Rush frontman Geddy Lee. Nobody wants to be Geddy Lee.

3. The Headless HorsemanThis is probably my proudest Halloween accomplishment, and winner of the coveted Northern Middle School Costume Contest. It’s a classic monster from a classic story, so you really can’t go wrong. I was due at the school Halloween party in half an hour when my dad and I threw this together from scratch, so you can never say it’s too late to put together a great costume. It earned me a $15 dollar gift certificate to the mall, so who knows what wonders it will work for you?

How to Make It: The main ingredient here is a nice vampire cape with a high collar—it really sells the whole headless look. Then just put on any shirt and use some newspaper to puff up the shoulders to the proper level, and viola: homemade headless horseman. One caveat: I never figured out how to see out of the costume. I spent most of trick-or-treat night trapped in a small forest of bushes until my friend’s dad found me and fished me out. But other than that, it’s a great idea.

4. Darth Vader There was a time before the Star Wars prequels when Darth Vader was universally cool. I dreamed of a Darth Vader Halloween costume for years and years before I finally got the chance to portray the Lord of the Sith in 7th grade. Darth Vader is the owner of the greatest mask ever made, and I can’t image anyone not wanting to try it on, at least for an evening.

How to Make It: Go to a Halloween costume store. Purchase a Darth Vader mask. Then wear all black and a cape, which you should probably also buy at the store.

5. Skeletor
If I’m not mistaken, this was the first Halloween costume I picked out totally on my own, without any input from my parents. As a kid I always felt bad for Skeletor—he just couldn’t win. Who doesn’t identify with a scrappy loser like that? No matter how many times his schemes were foiled, he just kept trying again. By taking Skeletor into my own hands, I thought perhaps I could redeem him. Show up to a Halloween party dressed as the Master of Snake Mountain, and you’re bound to attract some approving murmurs from the ladies. Many a successful relationship began with one of the parties dressed as Skeletor.

How to Make It: Invent time travel. Travel back in time to 1986. Go to a Halloween costume store. Purchase Skeletor costume.

There you have it, a small sampling of sure-fire Halloween party hits. So get dressed up, get out there, and have a crazy, safe, and happy Halloween!!