Gift: Too Much Batman Stuff (1989)

When I say I was obsessed with Batman after the Tim Burton movie came out, I’m not messing around. Look no further than Christmas of 1989 for evidence. In every picture, every crude VHS home movie, I’m smiling like a moron with some new plastic Batman accessory. I haven’t been able to find a single picture where I’m opening a present that isn’t Batman related. There were Batman posters, Batman cups, a Batman TV tray, Batman comic books, Batman clothes, a Batman calendar, Batman action figures, Batman band aids, and of course, piece de resistance, my very own copy of Batman on VHS. And that’s just what I can remember.

I can’t possibly write about all the Batman miscellanea that came my way that year. How much can you say about a Batman TV tray? However, a few highlights stand out. First and foremost, my grandparents gave me an entire box full of Batman stuff, complete with black and yellow tissue paper lining (This was duplicated many many years later when my sister gave me the Batman DVD). Inside, along with the Batman belt and Batman band aids and other assorted Batman merchandise was the Batman VHS tape. As far as I can remember this was the first VHS tape I owned myself (though I did own some He-Man cartoons and Return to Oz on Beta.) That was it for Christmas for me. I raced downstairs and did nothing but watch Batman over and over again the rest of the day. I was finally dragged out of the basement several hours later to eat dinner with the family, but I could have easily watched the movie for a few more weeks, at minimum.

Once I’d been pulled away from the movie, I was free to examine my other Batman stuff. Among the most interesting was a comic book on tape called The Untold Legend of the Batman. I don’t know if these still exist in any form, but when I was a kid I had many books that came with an accompanying cassette tape of actors reading the dialogue. By age seven I could read just fine, thank you, but I still enjoyed listening to the tape as I looked at the pictures in the comic books. The tapes had reasonable acting by my seven year old standards, and I think I’ll preserve that illusion by not listening to them again. It’s possible the dude doing the voice of the Joker for a kid’s book on tape brought just as much to the role as Heath Ledger, right? Sure it is.
The story was actually pretty good. It dealt with Batman’s origins, the origins of the villains, and had a kicker of a psychological plot twist. When a mysterious villain penetrates Batman’s inner sanctum and begins destroying mementos of Batman’s past, Batman goes on a mad quest through Gotham to try to figure out who has it in for him. His quest takes him back to the Batcave, where (spoiler alert) he discovers that he has suffered a complete mental breakdown, and it turns out that the person trying to get rid of him was (whoa!) Bruce Wayne, who had splintered off into an alternate personality. When you’re seven years old, that’s some pretty deep stuff, and I use to relish bringing it up to my friends who thought Batman "boring." Losers. A lot of the origin stories and plot elements have been retconned in the Crisis on Infinite Earths series and Year One, but The Untold Legend of the Batman will always stand as my real introduction to the world of comic book Batman, and the story that made me realize Batman went much deeper than the movie.

Less impressive was my Toy Biz Batman action figure. Batman action figures are notorious for their lackluster quality, but this guy actually had some impressive features. Or at least one impressive feature: He had a spring loaded pulley inside him, so you could hook his belt onto various household objects. Let him go, and he would slide up the rope, just like when he used the grappling hook in the movie! Great! So sure, it was a fun action figure, and a Batman Christmas wouldn’t be complete without a Batman figure.
One problem. Every time you used Batman’s “Bat-Rope” the pulley wound itself up just a little bit tighter. This wasn’t a problem at first, but after a few months of play the rope started to get a little tight. Then, finally, I pulled the belt one too many times. The internal gears snapped, and Batman exploded. When you’re a child, the total explosion of Batman is a pretty traumatic experience. Arms and legs and pieces of torso were all over my bedroom floor—it took days for me to find the head so it could be given a proper burial in the trashcan with the rest of Batman’s remains. A few months later I upgraded to a non-exploding Kenner Batman figure, which I believe exists somewhere to this day. But you never really get over the shock of Batman exploding in your hands. It’s hard to respect him after that.

So that was the Batman Christmas. And while it's never a bad thing to get Batman toys for Christmas, a little variety never hurt anyone.

(Unrelated: Today is the wedding day of a good friend, so I wanted to take this widely read and popular blog as a spot to say "Congratulations!")