Hogwarts Sets New Low in Academic Incompetence
by Crespin Alcuin, Staff Writer
From the Daily Prophet, February 17, 1997
by Crespin Alcuin, Staff Writer
From the Daily Prophet, February 17, 1997
Another edition of Belzar’s Annual Guide to Europe’s Wizarding Schools has come out this week, and it is no surprise to see our own Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry has once again come up dead last in the rankings. Things have gotten so bad that this reporter decided to pay a visit to the famous wizarding school to inspect the situation first hand. It’s depressing to see that after six years of being at the bottom of the academic heap, Hogwarts continues to surpass itself in educational mediocrity.
Ask a student at Durmstrang, Beauxbatons, or any of the other fine magic schools how many times they’ve been subject to physical damage or life-threatening situations in their studies, and you’re liable to get a laugh in return. “It’s a school,” they would say, waiting for the journalist to ask a real, serious question.
Yet in the six short years since it landed at the bottom of Belzar’s list, students at Hogwarts have been exposed to trolls, basilisks, hippogriffs, giant spiders, dementors, and a particularly nasty enchanted tree (which Headmaster Albus Dumbledore claims is necessary for “school security.”)
And that’s just for starters. At least one staff member has openly tried to kill students, one has been a werewolf, and plenty are woefully ignorant of even the most rudimentary magical spells. On top of all that, a popular student, Cedric Diggory, actually died during his final year at Hogwarts in a school-sanctioned sporting event. Has no one told Headmaster Dumbledore that this is not normal for a school with 11 to 18 year old children, even one that specializes in whimsical magic?
But the peril to which the school subjects her students is only a small part of the problem. More troublesome are the absolutely appalling academic standards set by Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Though it is easy to place the blame for Hogwarts’ lax standards entirely on the headmaster’s shoulders, our readers must keep in mind that Dumbledore was headmaster for many years before the school took its tumble into the morass of educational malpractice.
Yet the old man’s educational philosophies can hardly help. Dumbledore is known to encourage students to skip class, often eager to impart some drummed up “life lesson” that “cannot be learned in an academic setting.” That’s all well and good, Mr. Dumbledore, but we do not pay costly Hogwarts tuition in order to simply watch our children wander off on some dangerous adventure, whatever they might “learn” from the experience.
If the dismal O.W.L. and N.E.W.T. scores didn’t speak for themselves, one need simply look at the quality of instruction offered at Hogwarts. Professor Sybill Trelawney, long discredited “psychic” is kept on staff, while groundskeeper Rubeus Hagrid has been repeatedly charged with endangering the lives of children. Whenever these allegations are brought up to Headmaster Dumbledore, the old man simply smiles and winks, as if that makes everything better. “I would trust Hagrid with my life,” he says with an infuriatingly coy grin.
“Hogwarts is an excellent school,” says top student Hermione Granger. “Dumbledore is always there to talk to or to send me on a secret mission with Harry (Potter) and Ron (Weasley).” At the mention of Mr. Weasley, Ms. Granger’s face turned beet red, and it took her several moments to compose herself. When pressed about an incident in her 5th year, when students, so poorly educated by the school, actually turned to another student, the famous Harry Potter, to receive instruction, Ms. Granger grew standoffish.
“Dumbledore’s army was essential for fighting You-Know-Who. If we hadn’t done it, the Dark Lord may have succeeded in stealing the prophecy from the Ministry of Magic!” At examination of Ms. Granger’s attendance records during the period the so called “Dumbledore’s army” was active reveals that she has missed nearly half of her classes. “I’m doing important things!” She insisted. “Dumbledore doesn’t mind.”
When asked, Miss Granger failed to cast a single spell beyond the 3rd year level, identify the current Muggle prime minister of Britain, or locate France on a map. Increasingly flustered, Granger lashed out. “I’ve been very busy knitting socks for house eleves!” Miss Granger is expected to graduate Hogwarts at the top of her class next year.
“Oh yes,” said another student, who wished to remain anonymous, probably due to a noticeable and severe drug problem. “Hogwarts is very dangerous if you don’t know what to look out for. Very dangerous. I’ve never seen so many wrackspurts and nargles in one place. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, the snorkacks come and sing and the wrackspurts scatter. If they’re already in your brain, though, there’s nothing you can do. Very sad.” Wrackspurts and nargles. So this is what upper level magical education has come to.
“It’s utterly dreadful,” says Professor Severus Snape, whose slimy appearance suggests the lack of hygiene typical among Hogwarts students and staff. (One of the few bathing facilities has been infested with a particularly unpleasant ghost for 50 years. Dumbledore, in his infinite wisdom, says it gives the place character. Meanwhile, lice and skin problems run rampant.)
Snape provided his attendance records for the Prophet, pointing out that during the last five years, when Snape taught potions, students Harry Potter and Ron Weasley were absent an astounding 109 times. “During his 4th year, he attended class three times,” Snape says through gritted teeth. “Yet every year Dumbledore comes downstairs: ‘Oh Severus, the boy’s been through a lot, give him a passing grade this year. You must remember he’s not his father. Don’t take it out on him.’ I don’t understand it. I try to teach a class, Potter shows up three bloody times, doesn’t turn in a single assignment, and I’m the bad guy? It just doesn’t make sense.”
No Professor. No it doesn’t. The Prophet tried to catch up with the wily Harry Potter to ask him how he felt about the quality of education at Hogwarts, but of course he couldn’t be found anywhere on the grounds. When asked about his absence, Professor Minerva McGonagall simply smiled. “Oh, that Potter. Always up to something.”
During the close of my illuminating day at Hogwarts, I did manage an interview with one Ronald Weasley, which might just say all that needs to be said about education at Hogwarts. “Oh blimey! Hogwarts is a mess, isn’t it? Weasley sputtered in a barely comprehensible midlands accent. “You see the way Hermione looks at me, don’t you? She’s gone completely mental. Then there’s all this business with You-Know-Who, can’t go blabbering on about that, you know, very secret Dumbledore/Harry stuff—gets a little tiring! And that Lavender bird! Bad enough to be dealing with one girl, but two? Bloody hell! I can’t very well snog them both, can I? I ‘spose I could, of course, but before long, you know how it goes, it would go around and get ‘round to the other one, then I’m worse off then I started! I never asked for this!”
“I never asked for this.” After six years at the absolute bottom of the magical academy barrel, I’m sure plenty of tuition-paying parents are saying the same thing.
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