"We've All Become God's Madmen"

Dracula and movies were born out of the same world. The novel came out in 1897, just as moving pictures were attracting crowds at fairs and exhibitions all over Europe and America. Given their common background it's no surprise that the legendary vampire has been the subject of countless films since Nosferatu first appeared in 1922. Bram Stoker’s Dracula is the first and only movie to openly acknowledge this relationship with lots of creative visual effects and nods to the film industry of yesteryear. Though this movie was probably a big part in the “emo-ization” of vampires, I love it all the same. Sometimes the crazy story of love and Dracula’s on-again off-again relationship with God really hits home for me, other times I have to laugh the whole thing off. But however I’m feeling about the story (or lack thereof) at any particular moment, I will always love this movie as a great achievement in visual filmmaking.

I seem to recall a lot of marketing hoopla around this movie when it first came out in November of 1992, but at the time I was more interested in Aladdin and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York. But Dracula provided excellent adult counter programming for that holiday season and did pretty good business at the box office. In my adolescent years boys were always watching it at sleepovers thanks to some generous nude scenes, but I missed it during those years, too. I only finally saw it when I was a junior in high school, after finding it in a VHS bargain bin a few days after Halloween. I was going through a period of life at the moment when a big Gothic love story was right up my alley, plus I’ve always been a huge history buff, so when I finally popped the movie into the VCR and saw the cross tumble from the roof of Hagia Sofia as the Turks conquered Constantinople, it was love at first sight.

This movie is over the top in every way possible, and that only makes it better. In the first four minutes alone you get a Turkish invasion of Romania, a puppet-show battle scene, shots of brutal impalement, a gorgeous shot of Dracula’s bride plunging what appears to be a million feet to her death in the river, statues crying bloody tears, and finally a giant explosion of blood. This movie uses every cinematic trick in the book to create an experience unlike any other.

When movies first started they owed as much to magicians as to actors and directors; some of the earliest film makers were also professional magicians. They saw the medium as a way to expand on the visual illusions they employed in their magic acts, and thus special effects were born. Bram Stoker’s Dracula indulges in these old school effects with fiendish relish, giving the film an antiquated feeling that perfectly fits with the Dracula storyline. It’s almost as if you’re watching an elaborate Victorian era carnival attraction whirl to life with music, bells, and an organ grinder’s monkey. Almost every effect is done live on set, from the aforementioned death of Princess Elisabeta to Jonathan Harker’s carriage ride to Dracula’s castle; even the multitudinous explosions of blood are all happening for real. There’s not a single “location” used in this movie—every leaf, every waterway, every castle and manor house is constructed on a soundstage, allowing the creators to preserve that old-school cinema look.

The story of Dracula is well known enough that I won’t go into it here. What the movie adds to an otherwise faithful adaptation of the book is a love story between Dracula and Mina. I still don’t quite understand whether Mina is meant to be the reincarnation of Dracula’s dead wife, or just look like her enough that the resemblance shocks his soul towards salvation, but like I’ve said the story is really a moot point. Like the book, the best part of the story is Jonathan Harker’s journey to Dracula’s castle in Romania. After that, the book descends sharply into Victorian heroic clichés as Dracula sneaks around London, but the movie keeps on wowing us with new locations, special effects, and montages. The sequence in the final third of the film, clearly modeled after the successful montage that concluded The Godfather, is equally entertaining and a whole lot more fun. On one hand, you have the marriage of Jonathan and Mina Harker in a beautiful Eastern Orthodox ceremony, and, at the same time, poor Lucy Westenra’s neck being torn open by wolf-Dracula. It’s so over the top that in any other movie it might make you laugh, but in this film it’s perfect.

But this movie isn’t about the story, it’s about visuals and raw emotions. Gary Oldman’s performance is so tortured and sinister without creeping into parody that he carries the whole film on his shoulders. We feel for Dracula not because the story gives us a lot of reason to, but because Oldman infuses the character with such a sadness and sense of loss. His expressions and mannerisms are perfect for a man who has been at war with God for 400 years, conveying all the anger, hurt, and betrayal that would fill such a life. Is Gary Oldman the best Dracula ever? I guess that's debatable (though if you argued he wasn't, I think you'd lose the debate.) He is unarguably the best actor ever to play Dracula, so it only stands to reason that he brings far more to the part than any actor before him. If he hasn't replaced Bela Lugosi yet as the definitive image of Dracula, he sure should.

The other actors are all fine. Winona Ryder makes a suitably naïve Mina, and Sadie Frost is fun as the vampire-in-waiting Lucy. Anthony Hopkins really seems to find the fun in Van Helsing, and plays him as a man far crazier than Dracula. In the old Dracula movies Van Helsing was always rather stern and humorless—Hopkin’s makes him into a wild eccentric with a twisted sense of humor. Sorry Hugh Jackman, but this Van Helsing has you far outclassed.

And then there’s Keanu Reeves. Sweet, lovable Keanu. His performance in this film might be one of the worst ever recorded. From the moment he utters his first line you’ll be in stitches. It’s as if he was a foreign actor trained to read English for the first time just for this film. He suffers through the only slightly archaic dialogue like it was completely unknown to him, and seeing his bizarre reactions and truly terrible accent is a sheer delight. He’s so out of place, just looking at him is funny. In one scene near the beginning of the film, Mina types in her diary while looking at a framed photo of her Jonathan. It’s not supposed to be funny, but I dare you to look at a 19th century photograph of Ted Theodore Logan wearing period clothes and a blank, emotionless expression and not crack a smile. Keanu Reeves’ performance in this film ranks right up there with Coppola’s other casting disaster, Sophia Coppola in Godfather III, but this one is a million times funnier. Coppola couldn’t have gotten it more wrong if he’d cast an anteater.

But despite that rather gigantic fault the movie is amazing. It’s easily in my top ten of all time, for sheer audacity if nothing else. I know I’ve bad mouthed the story from time to time, but there are definitely days when it does work for me. It’s a story told in images and emotions rather than words, but if you let it wash over you it can raise a lot of questions about God and man and forgiveness and sin and evil. God definitely exists in Dracula’s world, and we’re left with the question of why a divine being would allow Dracula to live so far outside of God’s mercy and allow all the evil Dracula causes. Is it just to teach him a lesson? Or is the movie essentially a retelling of the prodigal son story, but with more blood and vampires? Or is it all about the redemptive power of love, divine or otherwise? It was honestly the hopeless love story element that made this movie so appealing to me in high school. There are moments in everyone’s life when a love so powerful it can survive the grave seems like a mighty entertaining notion, and the romantic sucker in me still enjoys watching Gary Oldman’s Dracula pine away for his Mina.

I’ve watched this movie at least once during the fall for over ten years now—it’s become an essential part of the Halloween season. This is the movie that turned Dracula into a sympathetic monster and unfortunately started vampires on their journey to harmless if sensual romantic leading men. But Bram Stoker’s Dracula still has it all—creepy tombs, haunted castles, obsessive love, a vengeful God, and oodles of impressive special effects and gorgeous cinematography. This is Gothic horror done to absolute perfection.

See it. See it now.

Alternative Valentine's Day Dates

It’s time for another Valentine’s Day. Since I no longer have to write valentines for every kid in the class (Note: If you underline your name when you sign one for a girl, it means you like her!), I thought I would mark the occasion by paying tribute to some women I would love to take out for Valentine’s Day. I’ve spent a lot of time with each of these ladies, and they’re all dear to me in their own way.

5. Harley Quinn

When Harley Quinn first appeared on Batman: The Animated Series in 1992, I was confused. I’d read plenty of Batman comics, and I couldn’t think of any instance where the Joker had a giggling female sidekick. There was Jerry Hall in the Tim Burton movie, of course, but this couldn’t be the same character. So I had no idea where Harley came from. By February of 1993, it didn’t matter. Harley had become as much a part of the Joker’s character for millions of kids as the maniacal laughter and green hair.

Poor Harley, forever trapped in a sole-dependent relationship she’s convinced is tragically co-dependent. To watch the Joker twist this naïve psychologist around his fingers in the 1999 episode "Mad Love" is one of the defining moments of the series. Harley is loyal to the end--if only she’d been corrupted, by say, an environmentalist, she might be out saving the whales with the same gusto she devotes to pillage and murder. She may be a high maintenance date, but if you win her over she’s yours forever. And ever.

4. Carmilla

Before Dracula, there was Carmilla, the original creepy Goth vampire hottie. She was the central villain in the 1872 short story of the same name, and she makes a great companion for Valentine’s Day. Okay, so she’s into girls. And she can apparently take the form of a cat, an old woman, a young woman, a middle aged woman, and some kind of blood sucking bird thing. But she doesn’t do that all of the time. In fact much of the time she can be downright polite. She’s lived a long time, so you know she’s well read and brings a lot of life experience to the table. You could do a lot worse.

Besides, since she only feeds on women, doesn’t that mean she’s safer to date than some kind of indiscriminate vampire like Salma Hayek in From Dusk Till Dawn? Case closed.

3. Samus Aran
In February 2003 I finally got the chance to play the original Metroid Prime, and I’m happy to say that on that Valentine’s Day Ms. Aran (she is a Ms., right?) was my date for nine consecutive hours of outer space adventure. She’s seen half the galaxy, fought thousands of monsters, saved countless star systems, and flies an awesome spaceship that hooks right into her impressive power suit. Plus she’s even got a maternal side, as evidenced when she protects a young Metroid hatchling from destruction and it adopts her as its mommy. Not even Leia Organa Solo boasts a resume like that.

All of Samus’ adventures are great, but the best of the bunch has got to be Super Metroid for the SNES. It’s one of the longest, most in depth, and impressive games made during that era, and a great way to spend some alone time with the lovely Samus. When a woman is flexible enough to roll into a sphere the size of a beach ball, you know there’s no position that’s off limits (not even that one you’ve always wanted to try but have been afraid to ask about.) She can twist herself into a ball, for God’s sake. There is nothing she can’t do.

2. That Elf on the Cover of the Original Everquest
It was tough to decide between this lovely lady and the night elf on the original World of Warcraft cover (look at those eyes!). If not for Everquest, though, Warcraft would still be a real-time strategy series, and millions of nerds would have been forced to turn elsewhere for entertainment. This magical elf was a trailblazer in the world of MMORPGs. Sex had been used to sell games before, sure, but never was there a product more deliciously tailored towards teenage boys. Earlier games in the genre had been hazier. The cover of Ultima Online, for example, had a wonderful painting of a massive medieval battle with dragons, wizards, knights, and princesses. And that’s enticing, sure.

But Everquest was different. Right there on the box was a promise: Spend hours upon hours leveling up in this game, and maybe, somehow, you might encounter a woman who looked like the elf in some capacity, either in real life or in the game. You weren’t a loser, because there was a beautiful woman right there on the box!

Though she would appear on the cover of almost every EQ expansion, we know so little about this woman. Beyond A) She’s a high-elf, and B)She’s hot, this woman’s life is a blank canvass, waiting for you to pay Sony $19.95 a month of your parent’s money to apply the paint.

1. Emily Bronte
Now here is a woman who could use a Valentine’s Day date. If Carmilla is the original Goth, then Emily gave birth to Emo. It doesn’t take many pages of Wuthering Heights to get the impression that its author had been burned in the past. For Emily there was no “happily ever after,” no all conquering love. Romance was a painful pulling apart of yourself that left you broken, scared, and alone in the desolate British countryside. She’s not quite as famous as big sister Charlotte or as beloved as fellow Brit Jane Austen, and that's just the way she likes it. I imagine she prefers to spend her time home alone writing poetry while blasting Nine Inch Nails on her headphones to the stuffy London scene.

Sure, she would reject the idea of a date at first. She’d be one of those people who would go on and on about how Valentine’s Day is an evil creation of the greeting card companies and that men shouldn’t wait for a special day to show women they love them. But once she was out of the house, she would have fun. There is a fine distinction between passion and pain, and no one could walk that line like Ms. Bronte.

Just be sure to call her the day after. Otherwise she’ll probably start to cut herself.

Great Games: Vampire: The Masquerade--Bloodlines

If only real Los Angeles were more like the city in which Vampire: The Masquerade—Bloodlines is set: Dark, depressing, dangerous, with supernatural evil lurking around every corner. Well, perhaps real L.A. is a bit like that, but the world of Bloodlines is so memorable that in a lot of ways it seems more real, and sticks with you more, than the real thing. I’m writing about it now because, even four years after it came out it is still one of the most atmospheric and well designed RPGs out there. It’s a shame so many people missed out on playing it.

Jeanette Voreman, the game's unofficial mascot. She owns the Asylum club and is absolutely insane.

Bloodlines is based on the popular PnP role playing game Vampire: The Masquerade, which I have never personally played. I have been assured by people in the know that it is infinitely superior to the similar but lamer Vampire: The Requiem, which has replaced it. I think there has been a trend towards overly romanticizing vampires recently (starting with Anne Rice and right on down the line to Twilight) but the world of VTMB does a good job of representing all vampire types, from the super-emo Toreador to the bestial Brujah to the hideous Nosferatu. And here’s a quaint idea—the game is actually different depending on what kind of vampire you pick. Unlike a lot of modern RPGs (*cough* Oblivion *cough*) there are different dialogue options, abilities, and sometimes even quests available to you depending on your vampire clan. The aristocratic Ventrue, for example, can talk or influence their way out of most sticky situations, while the deformed Nosferatu must lurk in the shadows and are attacked on sight if they encounter humans. Granted, the game becomes a dull combat slog-fest towards the end (more on that later) but the first two-thirds are phenomenal in giving the player multiple character-driven ways to solve problems.

A mansion in the Hollywood Hills. I wouldn't mind living in a place like this someday. With or without the vampires.

For me, if you combine “vampires” and “RPG” you’ve already got a deal (I also enjoyed the earlier VTM PC game, 2000’s Redemption, even if it was a little rough around the edges and light on the RPG elements) but this game creates an atmosphere that makes it unforgettable. The combat and game control are actually slightly clunky, but that’s easy to overlook when you’re walking around a fully realized version of Los Angeles, meeting some of the most interesting and well written characters in computer game history, and playing through some of the creepiest and disturbing environments. The haunted Ocean House Hotel in Santa Monica or the flesh-covered mansion in the Hollywood Hills have to rank among the most frightening things I’ve experienced in any media, including books and movies.

Outside the Ocean House Hotel, one of the creepiest experiences in gaming history.

Then there’s the unforgettable moment near the end of the game where the player gets trapped in Griffith Park Observatory with a very hungry werewolf while a wildfire rages through the hills. All the while the lights of downtown L.A. are visible far below—it is the sum of moments like this that make VTMB one of the greatest games of the past several years. It has probably even earned a place in my all time top ten. With anything that really sticks with you over the years, be it a book or a movie or a game, you don’t really remember the act of reading the book or watching the movie or playing the game, you remember the experience of being there.

Inside the Ocean House. It gets worse from here.

There are only a handful of games that have ever totally succeeded in transporting the player to another world, but games like Vampire Bloodlines prove that it is certainly possible.There’s still a lot of stigma in mainstream thought with calling a computer game a “work of art”, but with a select few so much care, thought, and passion goes into their creation, and the end product is so successful, that it is difficult to call them anything else. Unfortunately the game’s development house, Troika, closed forever after the publication of this game in November of 2004, and the gaming industry has suffered for it.

Just like real Hollywood. Without the cars.

When I was younger, computer games had a certain mystique about them that regular console games just didn’t possess. They were often more complex and adult oriented, and some of my favorite games ever are PC games from around 1994-2004—hopefully I’ll get the chance to write about some of those in the future. Computer games used to come with giant boxes filled with good stuff related to the game: A giant instruction book with lots of story and lore content perhaps, or a map of the game world, or a piece of game art or some combination of the above. Ultima Online, for example, came with a beautiful cloth map of the world. By the time VTMB came out, this was mostly a thing of the past, and the game was just a small box with a case of game DVDs inside. But the content of the game easily recalled those earlier titles, when games were made in small, dingy offices by a handful of developers who cared deeply about the game’s world and characters. It’s not that games aren’t still made with this attitude (see, recently, The Witcher) but they are few and far between.

A portrait of Jeanette and Therese, owners of The Asylum, with their daddy. There was some stuff that went on.

It’s almost as if VTMB knew it was the end of the era, since the “3^rd act” of the game is unpleasantly modern in its reliance on twitch combat and action. Instead of role-playing options, the last few sections of the game are filled with room after room of repetitive combat. Storytelling and character development take a back seat. It’s disappointing, for sure, but I’ll cut the developers a bit of slack—endings are notoriously difficult to pull off, even more so when the first bits are so good. Games are a lot like books in that they take several sittings to get through. If they are good, I often spend the time I’m not reading or playing thinking about the characters, about what might happen and where the story will go next. Rarely can any conclusion live up to the expectations I set for it, but it’s enough that something can get the imagination going.

True as all that is, the game’s ending is still weak.

VV needs a script stolen. Is there something wrong with me that even beautiful computerized women can boss me around? There's probably something wrong with me.

Other than that, the game had just about everything going for it. Great graphics (even now, the character models, especially the faces, are quite attractive—just check out Jeanette and VV), memorable quests, an engaging storyline, fantastic characters, and an appropriately creepy and atmospheric soundtrack. Unlike the ever present WoW, which came out at the same time, Bloodlines is pretty hard to find anymore, but if you can get your hands on it it’s absolutely worth it. If you’re a fan of vampires, RPGs, or just great games, it’s hard to do better.

You'll be visiting the Asylum club a lot during the first part of the game. They play good music, and it's owned by a pair of hot sisters--dangerously insane hot sisters, but hot nonetheless.

In fact I just might play it again now. I can think of few better ways to pass your time than drinking blood, getting involved in Vampire politics, blasting zombies with a shotgun, sneaking through a haunted hotel, and digging through the graves of Hollywood celebrities. Seriously. Play this game.